Change is a natural process, it's an inevitable thing that will happen over time. Most of the time, we're unconscious of the inches moved until we look back and see the difference in dust markings. But when the change is conscious, it's a whole different story. Some people have the ability to take change in stride, some even embrace it. Me? I'm terrified.
I'm typing this up in an empty room - the space that has seen me through London year one. So much has happened and so much has changed. If you gave me a photo of who I am today to the me 12 months ago, I probably would've have looked at you like you handed me a photo of Nessie*. I've grown mentally and academically; I've fallen in love with things I never thought I would, I've cared for people more than I thought was possible; I had my worst anxiety breakdown and I've had my heart broken; I've stepped out of my comfort zone and I've opened up about things I thought were buried beyond reach. I've changed so much, but I'm still terrified about the conscious change that's already on track.
The inevitable that I've been dreading has finally started beating the drum. I don't think the nerves have stopped strumming ever since finding out that I was accepted into the postgrad programme I'm starting in a little under a month. Knowing that I couldn't continue to live in the same flat that carried so many beautiful memories with the people I love for another 51 weeks with a change of people - I made the decision to have a complete change of environment. New place, new memories, right? But like I said, I don't deal well with change that I'm conscious of. I started moving into my new flat the other day and all I could think of was it's not going to be a better year than the last. I'm dreading the change and almost resisting - grasping onto as much of the past as I can. It's silly, I know, but I can't jump from the past to the future when I don't know if there's going to be sturdy footing awaiting, it's like I'm leaving behind the things that have happened for a new chapter.
It sounds stupid, especially when I'm insanely ecstatic for the new academic year. One of my favourite people once said something about me that has stuck with me ever since: I'm good at meeting people and being their friend, but for someone to know me and be my friend is an extremely hard thing. I'm a private and guarded person, I don't open up and make friends easily. I was blessed with more people entering and staying in my life than I ever thought was possible the past year- but as life moves on, they've left to pursue their path. We're still keeping in touch and as tight as ever, but it's different when they're not with you. Starting a new year means meeting new people, meaning that I need to start over again. Starting over is hard - not the finding part, but the afterwards, where you can't stop yourself from comparing the differences between the new and the old.
This post is a little bit all over the place. My head is just a mess right now - probably from the exhaustion of moving, the sentiments of a new start, the things happening in my personal life and well, my head has never been a straight plan.
*that's an endearment term for the Loch Ness monster, btw.
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